Sadie Robertson is a "famous" person. I use "famous" lightly because while she may be well-known in certain circles, her presence is the result of extending those reality tv fifteen minutes of fame as far one is capable of doing. See: her stint on Dancing with the Stars. She's young, she's pretty, and of course, she's a role model (we'll get to that soon). For those of you who don't know, Sadie is the granddaughter of Phil Robertson, the "Duck Commander" on Duck Dynasty and patriarch of the Robertson clan. (I've never watched the show but my Facebook feed is filled with stories about them.) Last year, Robertson pissed off a lot of people by making homophobic and racist remarks. In true reflection of American society, the divisive comments lifted Robertson's status to martyrdom by the Christian Right, while the other half of the country was calling him out on his unapologetically disgusting remarks. But Robertson's name remains relevant for a few reasons: 1. We continue to dissect his previous comments (guilty). 2. His show is still on the air. 3. The Christian Right spends a great deal of time and money propping up the entire family and their "family values". 4. His children and grandchildren are taking advantage of their position(s) in the Fox News-ish media and branding themselves as the Christian Kardashians.
I grew up in a conservative Christian home. I experienced conservative Christian schooling from Kindergarten through High School. I wore a Bush/Cheney '04 shirt to a school-wide chapel I was leading and I had no idea what the fuck either candidate stood for, beyond the Pro-Life stance, but I knew my parent's were voting for him and that it was the "correct" Christian choice to make...or so I had been conditioned to believe. My high school boyfriend and I promised we'd stay virgins until we got married--two months into my freshman year at college, we were broken up, and I was left to sort out my feelings on sex and men. Now, as an adult, my former high school classmates cram my Facebook newsfeed with stories condemning homosexuality; accounts of abortions destroying lives and damning those women to hell; and rants about how female sexuality is the most depraved thing about society.
The other day, while scrolling through my Facebook feed, I came across a story that multiple people posted. It was a story about Sadie Robertson launching a prom dress line--just like the Kardashians before her, she's taking advantage of her current position in pop culture and marketing herself in a very specific way. I decided to click on the story because along with the article were comments like: "Finally! A role model young girls can look up to!" I wanted to see what made her a good role model and there it was, the pull quote from her interview with Fox News' morning show: "Me and my mother and my grandma went to Sherri Hill's place and we all picked out 'daddy-approved' length," Sadie told FOX & Friends last year. "She also added a couple inches to some that we loved but weren't modest." Timed to coincide with the release of her dress line, Robertson is peddling her new book--an advice-driven account of how to stay true to one's Christian values in today's world. While on the publicity tour for her book, Robertson gave three helpful tips to ensure that young couples remain "pure" until marriage.
Sadie Robertson is a "good" role model because she dresses in a modest way that makes her daddy happy. Sadie Robertson is a good role model because she doesn't chain smoke and drink coffee. Sadie Robertson is a good role model because she's saving her virginity for her future husband. Sadie Robertson is a good role model because she's not sexually promiscuous.
Growing up, I never spoke to my parents about sex. But I knew one thing about it: sex is bad if you're not married. Seriously, that's it, the end. I didn't know enough about STI's or birth control or how important it is to be educated about sex. My mom didn't sit down with me to talk sex--my attitudes, society's view of sex, her opinions about sexuality, my misunderstandings, questions, etc-- we ignored the issue completely and when it was time for the generic (but hopefully informative) sex talk in school, we were given the abstinence talk (thank you, Christian school). At the age of fifteen, I had a surgery to remove a number of cysts on my ovaries. Immediately following the procedure, my doctor prescribed me birth control pills to help regulate my period and the effects that reoccurring cysts have on me. On our way home from that doctor's appointment, after receiving the prescription for The Pill, we acted as though I was going to be taking Flintstone vitamins. There was no discussion about how maybe someday, I'd want to have sex for pleasure and not in the context of marriage so be mindful of how The Pill needs to be used concurrently with condoms to prevent sexually transmitted infections. My doctor told me about that, but I never heard it from my mother because sex=bad and my mom was an advocate for the "Abstinence-Only" mantra. In hindsight, this was a missed opportunity for the both of us to talk about birth control and sex, but it's an awkward conversation for most parents and kids to have, and when you're raised in a Conservative Christian household, it's a conversation that doesn't happen at all.
Much like Sadie Robertson, I preached what I believed in--that I was going to remain "pure" until marriage. At the time (15 years old), I was in a relationship with a religious young man and I truly believed we were going to get married, have sex, and have lots of babies. Five years later, I lost my virginity to my college boyfriend (I'll call him Frank) and slowly, I began to unravel. (PS. I was lucky, Frank was incredibly kind and while cliched and awkward, my first time wasn't all that bad.)
For many women, we've been told that sex fucks you up--it's the slut-shaming prior to the sexual experience--we haven't even had our first orgasm and we're already being told that sex=slut=worthless woman. This is the message spoon fed to us and it just sits there, simmering for years, conditioning us to believe that we are skanks if we have sex outside of the institution of marriage. We never had REAL conversations about sex (in Conservative Christian circles) but every conversation revolved around the general concept that "purity" (or sex) is the ultimate "gift" you can give your spouse. *BARF*
At the ripe age of twenty, I lost my virginity to Frank and God didn't strike me down, but I was immature and completely confused about what to do next--what comes after sex now that I'm no longer "pure"? After my boyfriend and I broke up, I began sleeping with every person I dated, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I had to. I developed intense guilt about it but I didn't know how to process that guilt--I felt unclean and joked that I was "going through a slutty phase," because I wanted to criticize myself before anyone else could do it. (Note: slut is a disgusting word and I don't believe that "sluts" exist.) I was confused about my place in the world now that I threw out the moral compass someone had put in place for me years ago. After spending all those years talking around sex and not about it, I realized I had been fed the powerful message of Chastity, I believed it, and now I didn't know who I was since I was no longer chaste. All of the sudden, it became clear to me that my identity was wrapped in my sex life.
Holy. Fucking. Message.
The Christian Right's approach to sex is demeaning and ugly--it strips women of their lives--we aren't in charge of our sexuality because we aren't informed about it. We've had no conversation about the many dimensions of sex--safe sex, pleasurable sex, sex in a loving relationship, sex as a fun one night stand, the life-saving reasons to use birth control, etc. The approach is to sit in a corner, shut up, and don't lose your virginity until a man (because God forbid you're a fucking lesbian and want to sleep with a woman) comes around and you "gift" him with your virginity.
I love sex. (Who doesn't?) But it took me years to understand that I am powerful--that I am worthy of a good sex life. I am not tainted because I like sex or because I have sex. Sadie Robertson is sixteen and she's a good role model for young girls because she's chaste and pure. We are raising a new generation to believe in this idea that their self worth lies solely in their ability to abstain from sex. When I was Sadie's age, I too, believed I was saving myself for marriage but thankfully, no one gave me a loudspeaker to regurgitate some bull shit I was told in church or school or by my parents. Sadie's message isn't her own--she's perpetuating the mythical (PS. Jessica Valenti is my hero, but I'll save that love letter for another day) notion of abstinence and as a result, young women are getting further away from the truth.
Sadie's message is keeping a new generation of women oppressed and uneducated.
I spent years believing that my virginity made me a "good" person and I missed out on developing the other parts of me. And an entirely new generation of young women are missing out too. (See: my emotional immaturity.) Being a "good" and moral person has nothing to do with one's sex life and ALL women, young and old, must understand that. Everyone's moral code is different--we could debate that for years, but the important thing is to develop a set of morals that have meaning for you. How amazing would it be if more folks rallied around young women like Malala Yousafzai (take a look at the Christian Right, NO ONE is giving her credit) or Tavi Gevinson?!
I have nieces and I want them to live in a world where we encourage young ladies to study hard, be honest, volunteer, care about your neighbors, work hard, respect others, be kind, be generous, create art, be weird, join a book club, find a hobby, discover books and choose a favorite author, explore the world and find out what you're interested in and what you care about, and kick some fucking ass in life.
Develop your own moral code APART from your sexuality.
For the record, I have no problem with abstinence but that should be YOUR choice--not God's, not your boyfriend or girlfriend's, not your pastor's, not your teacher's or your parents'. I know I'm projecting my experiences but the truth is, I want young girls to grow up in a different world than I did. I want the young ladies stuck in their Conservative Christian bubbles to know that they can be complex and smart and sexy and be in control of their lives. Many of my sexual misadventures could have been avoided if I was empowered and knowledgable, but my "mistakes" have made me who I am today--I know that sounds trite but it's the truth. My parents raised me in the best way they knew how to and Christianity guided all of their decisions, and that worked for them. (I love and respect my parents and they did a great job raising me--I was a damn handful.) I was extremely immature as a young woman/young adult and so much of that was wrapped up in the fact that I didn't know myself. I allowed the Christian Right to define me--to label me as "pure" and "worthy" and then "dirty" and "unworthy".
We deserve more than Sadie Robertson. We can do better than Sadie Robertson. We are more than just bodies to be fucked and to carry children, mouths to stroke a man's ego, or hands to make dinner. Let's encourage and lift up one another and rise above the idea that a woman's virginity is the only thing that she has to offer the world.